Only Fools and Horses: Best Quotes

I grew up on Only Fools and Horses, and it helped that it was based in South London and "Plumstead" got mentioned a couple of times . . . Plumstead NEVER gets mentioned on TV.

Here are some classic moments, and fantastic dialogue from the show . . .

1 Did you know, 500 years ago this was a green and peaceful area? The old Earl of Peckham had a castle where the Kwik-Fit exhaust centre now stands.

Flaxen-haired maidens used to dance round the village maypole of an evening. And then one fateful medieval day, the Trotter clan arrived in a stolen Zephyr.

Before you knew it, the flaxen-haired maiden was up the spout, the old Earl had been sold some hooky armour and someone nicked the maypole. BOYCIE

2 As Macbeth said to Hamlet in A Midsummer Night’s Dream, “We’ve been done up like a couple of kippers”. DEL

3 I’m a Ming fan myself. He made some wonderful stuff, that Ming. Pity he had to go and die when he did. DEL

4 One day they might make a musical about the Trotter family. Then, as a sequel, they could do Schindler’s List on ice. RODNEY

5 They're yuppies. They don’t speak proper English like what we do. DEL

6 God knows how you’ve got the courage to walk down dark alleys wearing all that gold. When they see you coming you must look like a mugger’s pension scheme. RODNEY to DEL

7 Whatever the subject is, Mum had something to say about it on her deathbed. She must’ve spent her final few hours in this mortal realm doing nothing but rabbiting. RODNEY

8 Asking a Trotter if he knows anything about chandeliers is like asking Mr Kipling if he knows anything about cakes. DEL

9 I’ve always wanted to go to Benidorm. Where is it? GRANDAD

10 ’Ere Boyce. This car’s a GTI. If you rearrange the letters, you’ve got yourself a personalised number plate. RODNEY

11 Dear old grandad, bless him. He was about as useful as a pair of sunglasses on a bloke with one ear. DEL

12 What about the time he was in the Navy, eh? Every single ship he ever sailed on either got torpedoed or dive-bombed... two of ’em in peace time. RODNEY on ALBERT

13 I don't know what you’re worried about. I’ve been eating British beef all my life. TRIGGER

14 Do you remember your cousin Audrey? I went to stay with her and her husband Kevin for a year. One day he sent me down to Sainsbury’s with a shopping list. When I got back,  they’d emigrated. ALBERT

15 You must’ve spent a third of your life standing in front of mirrors. My earliest childhood recollection is of you standing in front of a mirror. Up until I was four, I thought you was twins. RODNEY to DEL

16 Del: The French have a word for people like me. Rodney: Yeah, the English have a couple of good ’uns an’ all.

17 He died a couple of years before I was born. TRIGGER on his dad

18 It's a well-known fact that 90% of all foreign tourists come from abroad. DEL

19 What's the name of that bloke who invented the Dyson vacuum cleaner? TRIGGER

20 Give my love to Marlene... Everyone else used to. SLATER to BOYCIE

21 Look at Grandad. His brain went years ago, now his legs have gone. There’s only the middle bit of him left. DEL

22 Would any self-respecting axe murderer pop upstairs for 40 winks and leave his chopper on the sideboard? DEL

23 I’ve just found out my wife has been lying to me. Every morning she says she’s gonna leave me and when I come home, she’s still there. DENZIL

24 Come on Rodney, I’ve told you before, it’s everything between you and me split straight down the middle, 60-40. DEL

25 He who dares wins. He who hesitates... doesn’t. DEL

26 I’ve got this horrible feeling. If there is such a thing as reincarnation, knowing my luck, I’ll come back as me. RODNEY

27 You've had more dogs than Crufts. The other day, Grandad took your suit to the cleaners. They found a muzzle in the pocket. DEL to RODNEY

28 You can’t trust the Old Bill, can ya? Look at that time they planted six gas cookers in my bedroom.   DEL

29 I am a black belt in origami. DEL

30 Del: We had Denzil in goal, we had Monkey-Harris left back, we had... camaraderie. Trigger: Was that the Italian boy?

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